Apology #1- As it turns out, there is such a thing as multitasking. I have been learning this over the course of the week since my treadmill recently broke down and the warranty I smartly purchased proves to be as lovely as my home warranty. You know, the one where I have to get past Mr. Negative first? So, as a result, I have found myself running outdoors again and discovered that I could possibly be the greatest multitasker there ever was.
I not only get in my cardio, but because of the brutal uphill route I chose, I am able to work my best asset, too! I will no longer need those 100 lunges every other day. Yay! Not only that, I get to go on an adventurous treasure hunt and discover things like random razor blades, abandoned delicates, and the find of the day, a Bon Jovi cassette tape. I love Jon! So that really was a treasure! But I couldn't talk myself in to picking it up. Who knows where it has been. You think my multitasking stops there, but no. There is much more. I also get to breathe in all the fresh and crisp morning road construction air, work on my fall/winter tan (mindless, I know), and the true bonus is that I get to witness all the beautiful yard decor surrounding me. My favorite are the faux deer! I love when people have deer decor on their front lawns year round. I say, why do we only put them up at Christmas time? I think more people should decorate in deer! They bring an essence of the wilderness to our deer depraved desert while adding a folksiness to my surrounding neighborhoods. It's so festive! Even better is when they strategically place little elves throughout their yard. The one's with the cute little red Santa hats and frosty white beards. Whoever designed those darling, miniature, heavenly creations must have been all class. If you really want to go for the mountain theme, add elves. It will make it feel like Christmas at the cabin all year round. Maybe those people are smarter than I give them credit for. Maybe it is their way of warding off burglars. If I was a burglar, I might think twice before breaking in to the crazy person's house. The elves alone would scare me away. They just sit and stare and glare. And who knows what they are hiding in those little pockets. To all the classy people who love deer and elves, you have forced me into living within the guidelines of an association, which I resent. I do not like living within other peoples rules and restrictions but will accept them in order to live in a tacky-free neighborhood. And last, but not least, while on my morning run, I get to wave hello to Handlebar Pete during his morning smoke break as I pass by the elementary school. That is the highlight of my morning. (Pete is actually a very good friend of mine but I feel the need to get him back for always teasing me.) And I think tomorrow I will snap a photo of him as I pass by. Why should Teenage Tim get all the attention?
See how much I can accomplish in an hour long run? So, my apologies to all the multitaskers. You are awesome.
Apology #2- I saw Chubby Taco in my neighbors back yard during my shower today. That must have been my promiscuous teenage neighbor girl who called. I can only assume that she is actually enjoying the new addition in her life along with all the added responsibilities. Could it be that I have pushed her closer to teenage pregnancy and that my plan backfired? I have failed her. I'm teary eyed. I'm sorry licentious teenage neighbor. Let me make it up to you by throwing you your first baby shower.
Apology #3- To Gary Busey, Steve Buscemi, Sandra Bernhard, Bea Arthur, and Harry Reid. I'm sorry. You are all attractive. I mean talented. (I just threw Harry Reid in there for fun.)
Apology #4- To the sticker parade people. I wasn't calling your stick figure, family car stickers tacky. It's cute when you do it. I was actually referring to the sticky backing on your sticker. That's tacky.
Apology #5- To the people who send me hearts and flowers. I had no idea you were designing them yourselves. Now I feel bad. If I would have known, I might have encouraged you to use your talents and time more wisely by going to graphic design school. Perhaps you can become the next Milton Glaser. I still can't accept them, but I do admire your work.
Re-reading this post, I realize that I might not seem as though I am truly repentant, but then I remember my disclaimer. It's all in fun. And Harry Reid, I do appreciate your efforts on the fight against Yucca Mountain. And you are cuter than your sons.